Friday, June 4, 2010

Attack of the Day of the Blahs part 2

I have made the decision to begin dialing back the Donist World entries to two or three a week once I reach the 100 entry mark so that I can actually commit some more time to wrap up my book and get the screenplay rolling.  Whether or not my novel is good or bad, the process of writing it was not a difficult one and honestly ended up being fairly easy, with the exception of the one most difficult component...starting the damn thing.  That was it.  I started a novel years ago and a kids book (including a subsequent toyline and merchandising plan) that I still wish to pick up again and finish, but I never completed either of them.  I talked myself out of those early projects and I simply gave up, and because of that mistake I lost many years of writing as a result of of my own self doubt.  Never again.

At the end of Jonathan Hickman's Nightly News, he tells of creating a mantra, a commitment that he had written to remind himself of why he chose to write and why he had failed so many times in the past.  His words felt like a punch to the stomach and made me realize that I have felt, and still feel at times, the same exact way.  For a good portion of my life, I have let fear, resistance and an overwhelming doubt dictate the death of practically every creative endeavor that I have ever started.  I'm done with that counter productive way of thinking and I am ready to combat and defeat these feelings throughout the remainder of my life.

The fear, resistance and doubt are odd feelings to have, legitimate and all too present in most people who wish to be creative, but what really is there to fear?  It is not as if I were going to be killed by those who read my book and did not enjoy it.  What is it that makes me so scared?  The risk of rejection is probably a major contributor to my not even starting many projects throughout the years, but could anything be worse than the rejection that existed way back in my junior high school days?  I don't think so, but maybe therein lies the beginning of the fear of rejection and also the doubt that until the past year and a half succeeded in beating me down in far too many aspects of my life.

Resistance, though of my own doing, still has its roots based in fear and doubt.  It is difficult to not put off writing, because of self-inflicted commitments, the allure of the PS3 and the Wii, and the looming presence of the television...which can be a source for inspiration whether watching actually thoughtful shows (LOST, Firefly, Fringe) or limited amounts of embarrassing drivel (Jersey Shore, Real Housewives).  There is always this chore or that, and the internet is always calling with its funny animal videos, ever-present tragedies and mini-games, but all of these distractions have to take the backseat or better yet, left on the front porch if I am to reach my goals.

--Statement of Fact--

Historically, I have always been my own worst enemy.
I have believed the untruths.
I have bought into outright lies.
Fear, resistance and doubt have led me away from what I want to do.  
Fear, resistance and doubt have led me away from what I was meant to do.
This cannot continue.  
It ends now.  

From today onward, I am my greatest ally. 
I am my most vocal advocate.
I will acknowledge any weakness as temporary.
Creating is what I want to do.
Creating is what I was meant to do.
This is my path.
I am filled with joy to begin.

A little new agey, yes, but what do I care?  As long as I do what I love, I am happy to throw on the John Tesh songs and...okay, maybe I do not want to go that far, but twenty years of fear, resistance and doubt is too long.  This change is most wholeheartedly welcome.  I can't wait to see what comes of it.


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