Friday, July 30, 2010

The Twilight Saga: New Moon aka...Take Off Your Top! Part 2

Dear Diary,

The Twilight Saga: New Moon [Blu-ray]It was here!!!  It was in my hands!!!  It was everything that I could ever hope for...The Twilight Saga: New Moon on BLU-MOTHER-F_ING-RAY...high definition, Bitches!!!  Why the hell would anyone ever watch this mind-numbingly beautiful film in anything but HD?  DVD?...why not watch it underwater or something, I mean...C'MON!  It just makes me so ANGRY, that I...that I...damnit.  I forgot my meds again.  Here comes Amy.  Back in a moment Diary.

Ahhhh...where was I?  Oh yeah!  LOL.  Silly me, New Moon!!!  Team Jacob?  Team Edward?  Side-liner Alice?  Or Team absolutely good for nothing, does not deserve any of them Bella?  Ok, getting angry again...deep breaths.  There.  Better.  Let's work this thing out.

This perfection of modern cinema opens with Bella really cutting into Edward and nagging him about making her a vampire.  She has dreams about becoming old and even has a terrible nightmare where she is an old sea hag, and she will not let it drop.  She whines and gets snippy to Edward and basically begins to show signs of how she would act if they had actually been married and ab...stin...ammint for the full hundred plus years that Edward has been alive.  " many times have I asked you to take out the goddamn trash.  I'm not your mother, Edward.  I swear, what would the neighbors say if they saw the house?  Huh?  What?  Are you ignoring me Edward?  Huh?  One would think you were one of those mangy mutt werewolves if they didn't know better.  Speaking of which, when are you going to get a job?  You can't go to high school forever, you know."   Poor Edward.  Diary, if Edward ever needs a break from the incessant guilt trips and constant nagging, then he should give Ol' Donist a call and we can totally hang out, and he can tell me all of his problems.  We both know that I am an excellent listener and that I would be patient and more than happy to be ab...stin...ammint with him for as long as it takes for him to make me glow in the sunlight, too.  Just like diamonds.  Bros before hoes, Edward buddy, bros before hoes.

Anyhow...Bella goes to the Cullen's house to celebrate her birthday, which the vampires did not have to do, and continues the bitch-fest, "I don't want to be old.  I want to live forever.  I want to be a little ittty bitty princess and not engage in ab...stin...ammintz."  (Sorry Diary, one more thing on this, if Bella acts like this at the "honeymoon" stage of their relationship, how is she going to behave 127 years from now?  Edward should listen to some of Dan Savage's Savage Love podcast to get the real scoop)  Sure enough, and as is to be expected from Bella, she cuts herself which drives Edward's brother, Jasper, batshit crazy and he attempts to kill her.  I think he was just looking for an excuse, but maybe that is just me.  LOL.  There is a brief fighting scene which was so awesomely depicted that I had no clue as to what the hell was going on, and Edward and the Cullen's decide that they need to "take a break from Bella and her punk ass attitude problem," under the guise that they don't want to hurt her. boy Edward is all class.  Even though Bella is a pain in the arse, he still tries to spare her feelings...good man, Edward, good man.

Sorry Diary, back later to talk about JACOB!!!  My social worker just showed up to discuss last week's incident that I am not allowed to talk about.

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