Thursday, July 8, 2010

Twilight Starring Edward, Jacob and Some Girl Who Does Not Deserve Either Of Them - Part 2

Twilight [Blu-ray]Sorry, Diary.  I'm back now.  I am not supposed to take the meds on an empty stomach, but I decided to start my diet, which entails not eating, so that I can have abs like Jacob and Edward.  With no food, 300 sit-ups and about an hour of dry heaving later, I am here to tell you more about the glory of Twilight!!!

We ended up going to our friends' house to watch the awesomeness that is Twilight and they have a bitchin' big television with all of the Hi-Def doohickies to make the viewing experience even better than I could imagine.  Amy...same name as my wife...made a healthy dinner, which I agreed to eat since I had nothing left in my stomach and Sean let me sit in the good seat that allowed them to "keep a better eye on me."

We popped in the Blu-Ray and sat back to allow the miracle to happen.  Speaking of miracles, my fourth beer turned miraculously into water after I sat back down and everyone had odd looks on their faces as they realized the magical powers that this movie possesses even in all too sunny Santa Barbara!  Immediately, I was pulled into to the beautiful blue tinted Forks, Washington with its nonstop rain and too-cool-for-school-but-they-still-go-to-school-anyways vampire crowd.  Forks also seems to play what passes for emo-goth music these days all over the town and at all points in time, which is kind of cool too.  btw...If we weren't being crushed by the recession and under the oppression of plummeting housing prices, we would soooooo be packing up to move to Forks and living the Twilight high-life!!!

Twilight is about 17-year-old Bella, who has just moved to forks to live with her father after her mother decides to bail on her responsibilities to her child, so that she can accompany her minor league baseball playing hubby on a futile pipe dream journey of hitting the big leagues.  The moment Bella sets foot in the new highschool, she befriends in mere seconds some seriously obnoxious teens, who I would guess get kicked out of Borders on a regular basis because of their overly stimulated states of mind.  It is here that Bella sees Edward Cullen and his incredibly HOT siblings walking in slow motion and flitting their perfectly styled hair all about...they are so cool that they don't care if they are late to class, and walking in slow motion proves this!  I wish I could walk in slow motion!!!  :(

Now, normally I would see a fancy lady like Bella and get very happy, but is as if he were chiseled from marble with jewel encrusted tools on a blue tinted pedestal.  Now don't get me wrong diary, Bella is very pretty, but Edward is waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy out of her league.  Edward should know this, but he is too nice of a vampire guy to not give her a shot at romance...this is despite that fact that Edward nearly barfs when he sees her walk into his science class.  He also likes her because he cannot read her mind, which tells you something about the girl.  I would like to think that Edward sees her as a sort of charity case...such a nice guy!!!

The movie progresses and Edward beats up a car that almost runs down Bella, he looks mean at some riff-raff who are bugging Bella, introduces her to the family, and they spend some time jumping around in the trees, which looked like fun.  I wonder if Edward could carry me on his back...I weigh more than Bella, but like I said, I have been starving myself, so I bet that he could.  But you know what, Diary?  I can tell you this, I would be much more appreciative of an Edward piggyback across the treetops of Forks than Bella ever was.  Plus he is sooooooooo strong!!!  Oh yeah, they also play break-the-sound-barrier baseball in a thunderstorm and Edward's overly hot sister Alice pitches with very pointed toes, which ruled!!!  Something or other happens with a bad vampire with dreadlocks, who actually is not that bad, a blond vampire dude decides that he has to kill Bella and only Bella for some reason that I am not completely certain of, and the red-headed girl vampire smirks about some sort of private joke that she decides not to share with the audience.  Edward then fights blondie and his vampire family comes to help, but they won't let him kill him, because Edward does not need to be wasting his time on such things...he probably had some sit-ups that he had to do.  Edward and Bella then go to prom and the red-headed vampiress smirks again.  THE END.  A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!!

Now, one thing that I neglected to mention is that the movie also has another strapping young buck named Jacob, who also has the hots for Bella--what the hell is it with this chick?!?-- and if Edward was chiseled out of marble, Jacob was chiseled out of gold.  I am kind of thinking that Forks is one of those overly polite small towns that gave a tax break to anyone that makes Bella feel welcome.  Hey Edward...hey Jacob...dial it back a little boys, I'm sure there is a cap on the "Be Nice To Bella Deduction."

To summarize, Twilight rules.  Edward is strong and handsome and so smart that he has been attending high school and taking the same classes for about drive!  Jacob may not have had much screen time in this outing, but you can be sure that he will get his moment in the spotlight in the next movie, Twilight Saga: New Moon...aka 80% shirtless; I can't wait!!!

Amy and our friends may not have appreciated the movie to the psychopathic level that I did, but they need to rewatch it another seven times to fully understand the movie's beauty and maybe after that they will not say, "Oh brother," or "You have got to be kidding me," or just laughing over and over again.

Well, time to setup camp around the mailbox for another two days for the second movie to arrive.  I have my suitcase of Coors tallboys, my beach chair and this time, a life sized standee of Edward and Jacob.  I CAN'T WAIT!!!

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