Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Twilight Starring Edward, Jacob and Some Girl Who Does Not Deserve Either Of Them - Part 1

Twilight [Blu-ray]Dear Diary,

I know that I have not written for a few days, but I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am!!!  I just saw Twilight and it was the best movie ever!!!  If you are like me, and I know that you are, because you are me, then you are mad at your stupid behind-the-times  stupid ugly face for not jumping headfirst into the magical world of all things beautiful, Twilight!

For far too long, I have poked fun at the Twilighters and how they camp out for every new release book and movie, but kick me in the rumpshaker and call me Bartholomew, I could have never been more wrong about the awesomeness that is Twilight!!!  This past Wednesday, I was stumbling from the Hollister Brewing Company after putting away two or three (four?...lol) Pope IPAs and two servings of fried beer battered pickle chips on my lunch break and guess what I saw?  That's right, a gaggle of teens and middle-aged moms camped out in front of the Camino Real Cinema, waiting for the midnight screening of...you guessed it...the new Twilight film!  Now, I know that I am not allowed within 100 feet of the theater as a result of the indecent exposure thingy from the Twilight: New Moon midnight screening, but I now know that sort of behavior is not appropriate and makes angels cry; plus, turnover at the theater is high and no one remembers me there anyways.  It was at that moment that I saw the poster, and boy howdy, I knew it was time for me to find out what all of the fuss was about!!!

Unfortunately, I had spent most of my money on booze and fried foods and did not even have enough to buy one of the hundreds of used copies for $9.99 at Blockbuster, so I whipped out my trusty iPhone and added it to my Netflix queue right then and there.  Take that BB and your overly effective loss-prevention security system!!!  Then there came the waiting.

I did not want to deny myself the full Twilight experience, so I grabbed a beach chair, sleeping bag and a suitcase of Coors tallboys and setup camp right outside of the condo's mailbox area for the two day wait for Twilight to show up on BLU-F_ing-RAY!!!  The neighbors were highly agitated, since my chair and the empty beer cans blocked access on the pathway, but luckily it took them too long to contact the housing association so that they could file yet another complaint against me, and I was able to make it through both nights!!!  btw...unit 37 was just plain rude for deciding to "water" their plants at 11:00 PM and getting most of the water on me; what a monumental a_hole!!!  I know what you are doing Tobey and you will never prove that I was the one that shaved your cat.

Then, the holy grail of all movies arrived and I finally had it in my unworthy little hands on Saturday morning...and don't think I didn't see you nervously fingering your mace Ms. Femailman-person, my doctor says I am all better now, so there!  I ran back to the house, nearly tripping over the many pee-filled empty beer cans that I left around the mailbox and burst into the house to announce the arrival of Twilight to Amy.  Tulip, our family dog,  barked at me for a minute before skulking away to hide in her crate.

"You know...Twilight is an allegory for Mormonism and abstinence," Amy said, rolling her eyes at me, but then I sure told her that moronism and flatulence have nothing to do with this movie and that she needed to call our friends and arrange a screening A.S.A.F.P.!!!  She agreed to do it, but on the condition that I take my meds and return to a calm-submissive state of mind, or else I would experience abstinence (whatever that means) for the remainder of my life.  If that is what it takes to spend some quality time with my boy Edward, then abstinence forever it is!!!

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