Monday, July 12, 2010

New Douchebag Exhibit At the SB Zoo!

"You just missed it," said Amy as I walked up the concrete ramp to meet her in front of the birds exhibit.

"Missed what?"  I asked, unsure as to what she was talking about.  "I saw the snow leopard sleeping up in the corner.  See, right there."  I pointed to the sleeping snow leopard.

"Not him.  Her..." Amy whirled around to point out a new creature that I had inadvertently passed, but it was gone.  "Huh, that's weird.  I could have was right there."

"What was right there?  I see the Asian tourists, and some flamingos behind them, but that's it."  

"No...while you were looking at the Snow Leopard, I caught a glimpse of...well...I believe it's called a douchebag."

"Really?!" I exclaimed with a mixture of excitement and disappointment that I had not spotted it.

"Yeah, I am fairly certain.  It was a female of the species."

"C'mon.  Are you sure it wasn't just another person?" I asked, knowing that Amy sometimes gets her animals mixed up.

"Sweetie, I know a douchebag when I see one.  This one was about 5' 2" tall and probably weighed as much as you.

"Really?!  Did it have any other sort of markings or distinguishing features?"

"Of course it did.  I can't believe that you actually missed her.  She was wearing a blue towel-like halter top thing, had big bushy brown hair, shades and she yelled at the snow leopard." Amy made a gesture that signified a halter top with an expansive circumference.

"No way!  What did she yell at the snow leopard?" I asked, completely disappointed I had missed the creature.

"I think she yelled, 'C'MON...GET UP AND DO SOMETHIN' YA LAZY GOOD-FER-NUTIN'.  GAWDAMMIT.  WE PAID A LOT OF MONEY TO SEE Y'ALL.'  She also had an accent."

"Nooooooooo.  An actual Midwestern douchebag and I missed it?" Now I was really disappointed.  "Those are quite rare in Santa Barbara.  We usually only see the common California douchebag."  I shrugged my shoulders, fully accepting that I might have missed a true gem.  "Well, maybe she'll resurface at some other point.  With any luck, there is a male close by and possibly some of their brood.  Wouldn't that be something?  Oh well, let's go check out the poison dart frogs."  We walked on to watch some tortoises eating a pile of kale, and we found the poison dart frogs, which were my favorite animals of the day thus far.  

Hand in hand, my wife and I continued our tour of the zoo, until we eventually stopped to see the penguin exhibit.  We watched the beautiful birds for a few minutes, when I heard the faint cry of the young Midwestern douchebag.  

"...DON'T CARE.  Y'ALL SAID THAT AFTER THE MONKEYS I COULD HAVE UN ICE CREAM BAR, AND I WANT UN ICE CREAM BAR NOW!!!"  Bellowed a voice from somewhere near the gibbon exhibit.  

Excitement sparked in Amy's eyes.  I grabbed her hand to hurry us past the elephants with the hope of witnessing an actual Midwestern douchebag feeding, but unfortunately we were too late.  "Aw have got to be kidding me.  I missed them again.  How can they move so fast?"  I glanced at the gibbons, who were anxiously swinging on the ropes and the tree branches of their island.  They were visibly disturbed by the recent proximity of the screaming creature that had just been dragged off, presumably by its mother. "It has to be a Midwestern douchebag.  Who else would blatantly ignore the 'Please talk quietly' signs that are posted everywhere.  Well, I guess the native California douchebag would ignore the signs too.  Oh well, let's check out some of the other animals and hope that one shows up."

The sun began to finally poke holes in the dense fog that had covered the zoo for most of the afternoon, and we went to a zoo food stand to gather a recommended seafood guide detailing the types of fish that are environmentally and health consciously acceptable to eat from restaurants, and generally enjoyed the atmosphere of the rescued bald eagle and California condor exhibits.

We walked a little ways past the rattlesnake display and we came to the gorilla exhibit, where we heard a disturbance up ahead and noticed some uncomfortable looking zoo patrons.

"HEH.  HEH.  HEH.  C'MON NOW.  TURN AROUND!  LET US HAVE A LOOK!  DAMN, YOU CAN'T JUST SLEEP ALL DAMN DAY...HEH.  HEH.  HEH," called an honest-to-gosh adult male midwestern douchebag.

"Amy," I said, leaning over to whisper in her ear.  "Look!  I see one.  I see one."

Amy nodded her head in fascination and awe.  "Wow, you're right...Oh, oh, oh...look there in the blue it's the female that I told you about, and that large young one must be one of her brood."

I looked around madly from our vantage point, yet I could not see what she was pointing at.  "Damn, where?"

"Right there."  She pointed and I still shook my head.  "See the stroller?  The abnormally large one keeps putting its hands aggressively all over its brood-mate's face.  See?  The smaller one is getting really angry and its parents are ignoring their young...I believe that is common for those animals."

"You're right.  I see them now, a whole family of them.  And look at the impressive size of the adult male.  And those markings.  It looks like white Sketchers shoes, tan cargo shorts, some sort of American beer t-shirt or an eagle or something, and a fauxhawk.  Simply amazing, and oddly beautiful in a disturbing way."  I squeezed Amy's hand, and she squeezed back.

"And look how red his face is," she said.  "He must be very sunburnt, or possibly very intoxicated, but that can't be.  It's only 2:00 PM."

"He's probably both.  I saw on The Discovery Channel that the Midwestern douchbag is prone to drink when the sun comes up, and the California Douchebag is more likely to be coming off a drug binge from the night before--that's probably why we haven't seen any of them yet today."  The male leaned even further over the wooden fence to get a better view of the gorilla, which seemed to worry the other onlookers, prompting an elderly couple to escort their grandchildren away from the area.  "Oh look, I think he is going to call again...," Amy said.

"HEH.  HEH.  HEH.  HEY GORILLA.  C'MON NOW.  DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME.  TURN AROUND!  SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT!  HA.  HA."  The male howled at his cleverness and his mate laughed uncontrollably as the the brood-mates continued battling, this time pulling each other's hair and screaming; even more people began to drift nervously away.

Amy and I looked at each other and decided that it was time to go, minding to not cross paths with the uncaged animals, who we agreed would make a wonderful addition to the empty exhibit just to the right of the Giraffe area.

"So," I said, "what was your favorite animal?  The Midwestern douchebags?"

"No, I liked the otters.  How about you?"

"Hmmm...not the douchebags.  I have to go with the poison dart frogs."


No comments:

Post a Comment