Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Twilight Saga: New Moon aka...Take Off Your Top! Part 3

Hi Diary,

The Twilight Saga: New Moon [Blu-ray]Talk about a lengthy breaks...sigh.  Oh well, at least I am back now and all that face time with the judge and hours upon hours of community service are a thing of the past; at least until next month for my next evaluation.  On.  With.  The.  TWILIGHT!!!  Hell's yes.  Honestly, pretending I was Jacob while I picked up garbage in between the beach break and the crashing waves was the only thing that got me through it.  I do have a hell of a sunburn though!  WTF, Judge, why do I always have to do the most dangerous jobs?  Oh well.

After the Cullens family totally kicks Bella to the curb, she spirals into one of those deep dark depressions that you can't climb out of.  Remember, Diary, when they stopped making Zima Gold and how it took me the better part of a year to pull myself from the precipice of inevitable self destruction?  Well, it was kind of like that for Bella, but honestly, I have to cut the incredibly self-absorbed baby-bitch somewhat of a break, because who in their right mind would not be devastated if the Edward had left them.  Anyways, Bella ignores her friends and treats them like scum, won't talk to her dad and is generally bitchy to everyone--basically she acts the same as she has throughout both movies when she was supposedly happy.  

Bella begins to flirt with danger, which causes her to envision ghostly images of Edward pleading with her not to do the stupid shit that she is about to do, and do you know what she does, Diary?  She ignores his wishes completely, just like she always does.  Wow.  If Edward came to me in my mind, like he used to do before I started up my med regimen again, I would listen, by golly!!!  It's f_ing Edward, you have to listen to Edward!!!  ...although sometimes Edward's requests are not the best, like that time he told me to take all of the goldfish from the pet store for my own "Will it blend?" experiment, but I know he was just joshing me...silly Edward. 

Anyhow, Bella starts using her friends like the sopping wet discarded tissue papers that they allow themselves to be and she even decides to do the same to Jacob, who's hair has grown about a foot and a half over the summer since the last movie, which is hella impressive.  Jacob proceeds to be even cooler about Bella's bullshit than even Edward was, and agrees to help her restore motorcycles so that she can toy with Jacob's emotions even more and continue her slow death march of "I'm going to do dangerous shit" nonsense, and proves that her motorcycle riding skills leave something to be desired.  Eventually, Jacob, like Edward, gets completely tired of Bella's crap and bails on her sea-hag ass as well.  Man, Diary, Jacob was soooooooooooooo nice to her and he all but tells Bella that he loves her with a love that is timeless and that no medication or restraining order could ever take away, and what does the bitch do?  That's right, leads him on and gets all sea-haggy on him.  It just isn't fair. 

Jacob decides that his time is better spent hanging with a a bunch of guys that like to wear short pants and...nothing...else...at...all and roam about the woods looking all hot!!!  Now, now, Diary.  I'm not funny that way for Jacob--although I want to hang with him more than anything else in the world--but when I say "hot," I mean literally!!!  These short pantsed, shirtless, completely yoked, fine upstanding young men are so hot that they run around in the cold rain with steam coming off of them because they are...WEREWOLVES.  Wooooooooo.   Ruff!!!  Ruff!!! Ruff!!!  Woooooooo.  Shit, Amy is giving me the look again.  She will NEVER understand me, Diary.  Although she did admit that Jacob is H-O-T.

Jacob would rather hang with these guys than Bella.

Bella figures out that the boys are all werewolves, when the vampire with dreads...the same one that warned her of the danger that she was in from the first film...decides that he too is sick of Bella's crap and decides to eat her.  The werewolves, who are very nice, even though they should have let the vampire chow down on Bella and spare everyone loads of whining in the future, protect Bella and tear the vampire into kibbles and bits.  Not knowing what else to do with Bella, they take her to a cabin so that she can have muffins the size of bowling balls.   I love muffins, Diary, I really love muffins!!!  

From this point, Bella still gets all dangergirl every moment that she can, jumps off of a cliff and Edward is lead to believe that she is dead, prompting him to take off his shirt to reveal an amazing chiseled chest...the abs of sorrow. Bella meets the ultra-hottie, Alice, and since vampires and werewolves can never be friends, even though Jacob's fancies should be directed towards the insanely rad vamp and not a sea-hag, no fighting ensues and Bella--in her first act of selflessness--agrees to go save Edward from revealing himself to the world as a sparkly vampire.  Although, come to think of it, she probably just wanted a free trip to Italy and to be seen driving in a car with the too-hot-to-even-exist Alice.  Misunderstandings ensue and the Cullens family returns to Forks, where for god only knows what reason they actually agree to have Bella become a vampire.  WTF!!!  Are they insane?  Some people just need to learn the hard way.

Wait, who voted yes on making Bella a vampire?  That's for eternity you know!

Jacob is mad, Edward is mad, and Bella could care less since she is going to get her way.  Edward, in a last ditch attempt to scare Bella off, agrees to turn her, provided they marry first, but she agrees.  Edward...you are my boy and everything, but C'MON.  Think man!!! THINK!!!  Jacob also says that if Bella gets turned than that will break the truce between the werewolves and the vamps and the war will be on!!!  Bella, of course, does not give a damn.  Maybe Edward and Jacob should hangout all topless together and just talk this mess out.  Edward would talk about his love of ab...stin...ammintz and Jacob would just listen...he is such a good listener, Diary.  

Ummm...yes.  Yes, I will get in the car with you.  Here are the numbers to all of my bank accounts, too.

Finally, Victoria, the hot redheaded vampire, is still pissed at Bella and wants nothing more than to choke a bitch.  The end.  AWESOME!!!  I can't tell you how many times I was mesmerized into a catatonic state by this movie, Diary, and it seemed like it would go on and on and on and on forever.  It was glorious.  

Mr. Mousey has cases of these, but they are all posed doing VERY bad things to each other.

I am off to practice ab...stin...ammintz and to begin camping out at the mailbox for the long wait for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse blu-ray to be released and for it to come through Netflix.  I guess I better give Mr. Mousey a call...oh wait...that's him at the door.  "Pull your pants up, Mr. Mousey, I'll be right there.  You know better than that!"  Bye Diary.  TWILIGHT RULES!!!  Team Jacob?  Team Edward?  Shiiiiiiiittt, Diary.  Why choose?  I want to be the referee!!!  LOL.  TTFN!!!


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