Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Twilight Saga: New Moon aka...Take Off Your Top! Part 1

Dear Diary,

The Twilight Saga: New Moon [Blu-ray]I'm back, sorry it took so long for me to update you this time, but I have been in Twilight heaven after finally viewing The Twilight Saga: New Moon!!!  It was the best ever!!!  LOL, Twilight rules!!!

Now, before I go into the movie, I just have to relive some of the glorious events leading up to the screening, and some of the events that really hack me off and make wish I, too, was a werewolf dressed only in short pants and stopping enemies, or at least running around the forest like Jacob's pack!!!

Once again, I had my lawn chair, complete with the beer can holder, my trustee suitcase of Coors tallboys, some V8 juice to keep things classy, and the KEY difference of my trusty boombox loaded with D-Cells, with a cassette tape of Paramore cued up for the three day wait.    I need to reiterate that Unit 37...that's you a D-I-C-K!!!  I understand that we all need to sleep, jerk-face, but maybe if you realized that more exists in life than your J-O-B, or your daughter's need to sleep before her ever-so grueling day at writer's camp, then maybe...just maybe you can embrace what really matters in this world.  That's right, Tobey, mother f_ing Twilight, Bitch!!!  Hell, you should be introducing your daughter to the movie and the books, it is high time that she begins to learn about the beauty of falling in love with someone that is like 100 years older than she is, and feels ill every time he is around her.  You see?  If you were a good father, little 12-year old Abbey would be outside, hanging with the Donist, watching me drink beer--none for her, of course, she is nine years shy of legal drinking age, what kind of Twilight fan do you think I am?--and cranking out the Paramore!!!  Maybe if you weren't such a fascist, and stopped calling the cops, because "the music is too damn loud," or stopped yelling at me because my life-sized realistic standee's of Jacob and Edward frighten Abbey, then you would realize the good that Twilight can do for your daughter.  Open your eyes to the glory of Twilight you a-hole!!!  Stop being "the man."

Sorry Diary, I guess I just needed to get that out of my system, and trust me, there are a few other less-than-pleased neighbors who are haters.  I mean, who owns a bow and arrow these days, and in a condo complex none the less?  Luckily the arrow went right through cardboard Jacob and missed my boombox, which I believe was the target; I have half a mind to bust out some Evanescence in retaliation, but instead I and turned down the music a little.

Funny thing is that I have found a fellow Twilighter like myself!!!  Unit 25 down the way finally came out of his house and without the ankle bracelet!!!  In the past six years, I have only seen him once or twice, and each time he was licking the surface of the sliding glass door and raising his eyebrows at me, but we all have our quirks.  He is a rather large man, who never stops smiling and likes to be called Mr. Mousey and he really, really likes to give back rubs, even when your muscles aren't sore at all, but he is an okay guy...even when he scarfs down 60% of every pizza that I ordered for the three day wait.  WTF!!!  Luckily, he did not partake in any of my Coors Tallboys, because they mess with his meds and make him do "terrible...terrible things that I can never take back...not that I would ever want to."  He reminded me of this often, while he rubbed the life-sized Edward standee in ways that made me uncomfortable, but last I checked, this is America and once the ankle bracelets come off, you can do whatever the hell you want!!!  U.S.A.!  U.S.A.!

By the time the The Twilight Saga: New Moon BLU-MOTHER-F_ING-RAY babeee arrived, I was honestly over Mr. Mousey and the incessant back rubbing that left my shoulders kind of messed up, but he was a true fan and stuck through the whole Twilight camping-out experience and was even almost maced by the Femailman because what he was doing to the cardboard Edward "was just not right."  OMG, Diary!!!  We are true fans, and no matter what any public servant says, macing is not necessary...okay, maybe it is necessary sometimes with Mr. Mousey, but that just goes to show his excitement and enthusiasm with the greatest phenomenon to hit the world...TWILIGHT!!!

We cranked up the Paramore and kicked all of the empty beer cans to the curb and into Tobey-the-Jerk-Face's yard, before dancing with glee back to my house, where Amy stood waiting at the doorway.  Now Diary, I know that you and my wife have some differences of opinion regarding how things work in life, but there are times where I need to, which to her means obey.  She refused to let Mr. Mousey into the house and threatened to call the cops on him because of the "full-walrus" incident last year that Amy witnessed Mr. Mousey performing on his patio.  Thankfully, Mr. Mousey did not argue and only whispered, "Someday you will all see," before heading back to his unit and admitting that he already owns the movie and watches it every single day--at least certain scenes every single day.  Talk about a true fan!!!

More tomorrow Diary when I actually discuss the movie!!!

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