Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I'm Gonna Need to Quit the Gym part 4

I almost forgot about this little addition the "Quit the Gym" entries that I have been writing.  I have not seen this particular individual for a couple of years, but he still comes to mind every once in a while and I have to laugh.

Another thing that always cracks me up about the gym is how people drive there and subsequently park in all manners of odd and non-designated parking areas, so that they do not need to walk that far to get inside.  Wait a minute...why the hell would someone that has taken time out of their day to make a trip to the gym to exercise and get in shape, risk having their car towed so that they could spare themselves the agony of walking an extra hundred or so feet by parking illegally?  It makes absolutely no sense to me.

One day--after parking in an empty parking spot--I made the excruciating forty feet of extra walking towards the gym doors, and noticed that despite the parking lot only being about a quarter full, that someone had parked right at the front, outside of the designated spaces, and was partially obstructing the parking lot.  Usually, I just mutter, "asshole," under my breath and keep walking, but there stood a vehicle worth mentioning.  Before me was an all-black behemoth of a jeep with humongous off road monster truck tires, a miniature fire extinguisher affixed to both the right and left front of the roll cage, there were flood lights all over the thing that quite possibly could bring the light of day to the cold dark night, animal skeletons painted on each side of the vehicle, and two empty spare portable gas tanks affixed to the back.

I am sure there was a personalized plate on the jeep, but for the life of me, I cannot remember what it said, because of my fear of being eaten by the damned thing.  Staring at this jeep of the damned for who knows how long, many questions came to mind.  "Isn't it a bad thing to have metal gas tanks that presumably contain gasoline sitting in the very hot open sun?  On that note, isn't it equally a bad thing to have canisters with content under pressure sitting in the hot sun (fire extinguishers)?  I am 6' 2" and I would be hard pressed to climb up inside of this thing, how does the driver do it?  Wouldn't those seats get really, really hot?  Is there a cover for when it rains and the temperature drops?"  I eventually shook off the questions and took my giggling ass to the gym before the driver could see my mocking eyes and cause me grievous harm.

Inside, I claimed my elliptical trainer and tuned into Courage the Cowardly Dog and bounced between it and the Colbert Report when I noticed a Career hanging out and wandering around with a huge smile hinting that the man was having the time of his life.  He would stop and chat with some of the resident grunties and screamers, but most of the time he just walked about, happy as a hermit crab finding a new shell...there was also no weight lifting going on with him.  This man was seriously about 5' 4" and was about as wide as he was tall.  A Jet black completely vertical flattop could have easily weathered a tsunami intact and the darkened tan suggested that the guy was recently dipped in a deep fryer.  His muscle mass was off the charts, evidenced by the dental floss that served as a tank top and the tight-tight-tight booty shorts that he wore.  Thankfully I kept my mystified eyes off the guy, after thoughts of him throwing me out the window came to mind, elliptical, Colbert Report and all.

Guess who the Jeep belonged to.

I was at Anna's Bakery one morning preparing to eat an incredibly unhealthy chocolate croissant, when I heard "I Got the Power" by C&C Music Factory blaring in the Camino Real parking lot.  Just then the short pumped-up guy drove by in his Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome vehicle hauling a massive outdoor BBQ set.  Weird.

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