Wednesday, August 25, 2010

An Open Letter to Steve Jobs For a New Product Line

Dear Mr. Steve Jobs,

Hello, my name is Donist and I am writing to inform you about my wonderful idea for a new product and app line that has the potential to make all parties involved some sweet cabbage!  Before I get to the nitty gritty of my soon-to-be cash-bonanza idea, I need to inform you of something quite disturbing: the conduct of your product development team.

Through a little obsessive searching and fact finding--a critical component in the creation of a new product--I discovered the names of some of your key product development people and I have begun a regimen of scheduled brainstorming sessions with them.  Now, keep in mind that I am very sympathetic to the Apple way of doing things and I know that guys like Sven, Fredric, Benjamin and not-a-guy-Mamta need to work on Apple related projects while they are at work.  I know, I get it.  That is why I have been pitching them outside of regular working hours.  Whether I was showing product designs that my support group allowed me to remove from the facility to Sven, while he gardened on a Sunday afternoon, or coming out of Mamta's second story closet at 11:00 PM on Wednesday evening with a mock-up that I glued together with packing peanuts and recycled boxes that I found behind Borders, I had to show them that I meant business.  Now that all four restraining orders have just kicked in, I am left to worry that one of them might steal my guaranteed to explode into the market money making idea.

As you are well aware, as supposed leaders of the industry, I expected more from Fredric and Benjamin.  Freddy had no right to accost me after I showed his wife pictures of him and Benji at the special gentleman's club.  I expected her to be proud to have a picture of Freddy, Benji, my mock-up strategically placed on the table in front of them, and the pretty dancer lady on the stage having the wardrobe malfunction...okay, I will admit that I blew it on that one.  I will also say that my timing was also probably not the best when I showed a picture of Benji (alone this time), my mock-up, and the dancing gentleman from "Banana Slingers" to various members of his church congregation.  You know, the church with all of the "Uphold Prop 8" signs everywhere.  Apparently they did not approve of Benji putting dollar bills in Slinger Stu's thong with his teeth.  Who could have known?  I also found out that the gentlemen do not like to be called Benji and Freddy.  Again, who knew?

Regardless, maybe some time with Apple HR and PR can help your product development team with a PARADIGM SHIFT in dealing with the public and on their collaborative efforts or for being better all around TEAM PLAYERS.  I hope to SYNERGIZE our efforts GOING FORWARD so we can LEVERAGE the CREATIVE JUICES at play and make a FULL-COURT PRESS on the market.  THINKING OUTSIDE OF THE BOX is the only way that Apple is going to continue to grow and improve their LONG GAME.  My product and app idea is a real GAME-CHANGER and will lead Apple to gathering all of the LOW-HANGING FRUIT just waiting to be picked.  This will be a SLAM DUNK!!!

Okay.  Do you see what I just did there?  I have been studying up on my business speak and I know that it means something to all you business decision making types out there, even though I am not completely sure of what the hell I just said.  That said, I am fairly certain it means something good.

Anyhow, on to the product that will revolutionize the industry.  Here we go.  Are you ready for me to RUN THIS UP THE FLAGPOLE?  (see, did it again!)

iSlap!!!  iSlap is the latest accessory for the iMac and Mac Pro lines of home computing!!!  Just affix the mechanized arm to your monitor, plug it into an open USB port, attach the rubber gloved hand, and pull up your iChat!!!  Then, each time that the person with whom you are chatting--whether by text, audio, or preferably video--says something asinine or insulting, just press the little red button in the iChat window and the person on the other side will receive a slap!!!  WOW!!!  Imagine the increase in productivity and the ability to get out of awkward conversations!  

Did you brother just admit to knocking up another neighbor?  Press the little red button.  

Did mom just guilt you about never coming to visit or hint that you will never amount to a hill of beans? Press the little red button.

Girlfriend upset about not moving in together and asking when you will ever grow up?  Press the little red button.

Boyfriend actually used the term "bros before hoes" in your pressence?  Press the little red button.

Not only is there iSlap, but I know how much you love the relatively small form factor accessories with very little production cost, yet high price tags, so I also suggest the iSlap Hand Powder dispenser that will spray baby powder onto the glove at the touch of a baby-blue iChat button.  Nothing says class more than a baby powdered slap across the face...the recipient will thank you for it.

Finally, there will be the iSlap Mini that will affix to the MacBook line of computers and to the iPad for the on the on-the-go user.

Please get back to me at your earliest convience, so that we can MOVE FORWARD on what will be the next hot item!!!



1 comment:

  1. If I had it I would iSlap you a high five on that one. Funny, Don.