Friday, August 13, 2010

They Live (1988) starring Roddy Piper and Keith David

Dear Diary,

They Live"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum."  LOL!!!  I'm just kidding Diary, I'm not going to kick your ass...maybe I will kick Tobey's ass for AGAIN reporting my superhero nighttime exercises to the housing association.  Speaking of which, the roof of the damn parking structure should be able to hold the weight of a two hundred pound man and just because I landed on Tobey's stupid Sentra, does not mean I did it intentionally.  For all he knows, my efforts prevented someone from sneaking into his back patio, taking the house key that he has stashed under the ceramic toad in the right corner by the hose, going back to the front to open the door, flicking the wall switch to shut off the motion detector located just inside, dodging his cat, Mr. Socks, creeping up the stairs and minding step 5 and 9...they squeak, and standing over him while he sleeps for hours upon hours until...well, you get the picture, Diary.  THAT is exactly the type of thing that I protect this condo complex from, but Tobey and his stupid face has to ruin it for everyone.  "My daughter can't sleep when you fall through the parking structure roof and scream in pain everytime you hurt yourself.  You also owe me for the damages to my car.  Where's your wife?  Why am I talking to you?"  WTF!!!  You see, Diary?  Stupid...Face!!!

Anyways, now that I am no longer allowed to camp out at the mailbox to wait for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse on glorious Blu-F_ing-Ray--thanks again go out to Stupid-Face Tobey for that one--I decided to broaden my horizons and try out some other cool flicks, since the release of the new Twilight has not even been anounced!!!  So instead of cool shirtless werewolves, vampires and lame girls who only complain and act all annoying due to ab..stin...ammintz, I went all sci-fi on this hizouse and rented They Live, starring Roddy Piper and Keith David.  Now, you might remember watching Roddy Piper back in the day when he was a WWF wrestler and battling it out with the Hulkster, Hulk Hogan!!!  "Hulky's such a yo-yo!"  Ha ha ha...LOL!!!  Anyhow, my man Roddy ditches the kilt and the wrestling boots, which is a bit of a shame, but he more than makes up for it in ass-kicking awesomeness!!!

Rowdy Roddy is a down on his luck drifter, which is apparent throughout the movie because of the persistent blues riff that plays from beginning to end.  I guess this type of music makes sense, because Piper, who's character is named...huh, you know what diary?   I never caught the characters name.  Let me go watch the movie again.  Back soon!!!

WTF...huh.  Diary, Piper's character does not even have a name!!!  He is not only too cool for school, he is too cool for names!!!  Maybe everyone who meets him thinks, "Man, what is that dudes name?  He just showed up here and he wants to work on the construction site, but for the life of me, I just can't remember his name.  Where is that blues music coming from?  He must be down on his luck or something, at least he has a mullet and a toothpick.  Wait a minute, he's taking his shirt off...okay, homes does not even need a name as far as I am concerned.  He's totally yoked!!!"  Piper then meets Frank Armitage--which is a bad-ass name if I ever heard of one--played by super dude Keith David.  Now Diary, just because David has a name--Frank--does not mean that he does not rock.  The opposite in fact.   He is so cool that he gets a name, a rad one.  Frank and Piper are like a coolness yin-yang, the named and the unnamed.  In fact, it is so cool that I am freaking out.  No serious Diary, I am totally beginning to freak the f_ out.  Shit!!!  I...

I'm back.  I was totally seeing double rainbows there for a moment, but Amy brought me my medicine and it is all good.  Plus I have a beer that I snuck out of the refridge which Amy did not see me grab.  Back to They Live.

Frank has a wife and kid back in Detroit, who he has not seen in six months.  The steel mills went under, and they gave the steel mills a break, but the mills gave themselves a break.  He says, "Everyone is out for themselves and looking to do you in at the same time."  Kind of like today, huh, Diary?  That is why I patrol on the parking structure at night...bankers, steel mill owners, congressmen and now Tobey, BEWARE, your corruption is at an end.  Anyways, Frank is awesome and wears a purplish/pink tank top with a sleeveless denim jacket, which is a clear sign of everything that ruled in the 80's, plus things are tough all over as indicated by the blues track which I cannot shake out of my head.

Piper believes in America and he proves this point by playing the harmonica near the place that some bums are getting pissed off at their TV.  The Bums are mad because some a_hole scientist has preempted their Lee Press-On nails commercial to tell the bums that "They" are among us.”  Great description, Doc, how about you give us the rest of your damn diagnosis and tell us who "They" are?  Why be vague, when you can say say, "Hey bums!  There's a box of sunglasses over by the dumpster.  Why don't you go put that shit on, see the truth that there are butt-ugly skull-faces out there and save your world.  USA.  USA."  *back to the sunglasses shortly, Diary*  Unfortunately, Lee Press-Ons are more exciting to us Americans.  Anyways, Piper thinks the commercial is weird, and that there is something to it, so he goes to the church at 4:00 AM and discovers what looks like a cross between a meth lab and a Sunglasses Hut store.  The Church/meth lab should not come as a surprise to anybody, but the Sunglasses Hut aspect is HIGHLY suspicious.  Just then, the police raid the shanty town and generally tear shit up.  Piper would really like to body slam some bitches, but Frank says, "I walk a white line," to which Piper says, "Well, the white line is in the middle of the road...that's the worst place to drive."  I so understand this, especially after that very expensive ticket and the impounding of my car for driving while sedated.

The next day, when everyone is picking up the pieces of their lives, Piper goes to the METHodist church and kicks the wall so hard that he is beyond manly so that he can get a Sunglasses Hut box and Piper finally puts on...THE GLASSES!!!  Now diary, these are not the type of glasses that tell you where magical gold tablets are, but actually let you see how boring the world is and who the butt-ugly skull-faces are.  Everywhere there are signs saying, “Obey" or “Consume” or “Submit” and I was scared that I was actually back at the psyche ward again or locked away in my parent’s very cold basement…so cold, so very, very cold.  Thankfully, it was just the movie.  Piper then gets completely awesome and tells a skull-face in the supermarket, “You know, you look like your head fell in the cheese dip back in 1957.”  You know diary, one cool aspect of the glasses is that they totally f_ you up; I wish I could get my hands on some.  He then mixes it up with some human cops and  some skull-face cops until he gets a gun and goes to the bank to say, "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum."  LOL, that cracked me up and true to form, the Rowdy One kicks ass on some skull-faces and goes on the run, eventually meeting a real life 80’s lady with honest-to-gosh 80’s hair!!!  You would think that she would think hanging around with a wrestling superstar would be hot, but that is not  the case.  Sadly, the beotch throws his ass out a window.  I was sad and yelled at the screen, which made Tulip hide behind the couch again, but she eventually came out when she realized that Piper was okay.

Anyhow, the blues music plays really hard now, because Piper definitely has some blues going down.  Luckily he heals up pretty quick, but then tragedy strikes when Frank refuses to put on the magic glasses.  Now Diary, if a big beefy wrestler came to me with a pair of glasses and told me that I needed to see the truth, then I sure as hell would do it., but not Frank.  You see, Frank has style—who else would wear a purple tank top with a sleeveless jean jacket?—and he is not down with the Sunglasses Hut fare, so they get in the most awesome fight that anyone has ever seen, and for five minutes none the less.  It is brutal like the time I caught that possum trying to invade the parking structure…yup, Diary, that brutal.  Piper ultimately wins the fight for the intercontinental championship belt and puts the glasses on Frank, who sees the butt-ugly skull-faces and the dreary signs.  He is shocked.  So shocked in fact that the blues music kicks in again.  Tough times, Diary, tough times. 

The guys then team up to expose the skull-faces for the skull-faces that they are and Piper shows how baddass he is by saying, “Brother, Life’s a bitch.  She’s back in heat,” and “I got news for them…there’s gonna be hell to pay, cause I ain’t daddy’s boy no more.”  How f_ing kick ass is that, DIary?!!!  They then see an alien teleport device, which is totaly unbelievable, because there was no long line to use it…so yeah, totally fake.  Unfortunately, some bad shit goes down, that I do not even want to remember, but at least they destroy the tower and now everyone can see the Skull-faces!!!  Then to provide a happy ending for the first time…boobies!!!  There you have it, Diary, They Live absolutely rocks the socks. 

Well, time to sign off, the pills and beer have made me very sleepy and I promised Mr. Mousey he could borrow the movie.  The funny thing is that he wants to know only the time that the fight begins and the time that the boobies begin.  He is so weird!!!  I need to catch some  zzzz’s so that I can get out to the parking structure, because the night is wrought with peril and danger never sleeps.


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