Twilight Starring Edward, Jacob and Some Girl Who Does Not Deserve Either Of Them - Part 2

Sorry, Diary.  I'm back now.  I am not supposed to take the meds on an empty stomach, but I decided to start my diet, which entails not eating, so that I can have abs like Jacob and Edward.  With no food, 300 sit-ups and about an hour of dry heaving later, I am here to tell you more about the glory of Twilight!!!

We ended up going to our friends' house to watch the awesomeness that is Twilight and they have a bitchin' big television with all of the Hi-Def doohickies to make the viewing experience even better than I could imagine.  Amy...same name as my wife...made a healthy dinner, which I agreed to eat since I had nothing left in my stomach and Sean let me sit in the good seat that allowed them to "keep a better eye on me."

We popped in the Blu-Ray and sat back to allow the miracle to happen.  Speaking of miracles, my fourth beer turned miraculously into water after I sat back down and everyone had odd looks on their faces as they realized the magical powers that this movie possesses even in all too sunny Santa Barbara!  Immediately, I was pulled into to the beautiful blue tinted Forks, Washington with its nonstop rain and too-cool-for-school-but-they-still-go-to-school-anyways vampire crowd.  Forks also seems to play what passes for emo-goth music these days all over the town and at all points in time, which is kind of cool too.  btw...If we weren't being crushed by the recession and under the oppression of plummeting housing prices, we would soooooo be packing up to move to Forks and living the Twilight high-life!!!

Twilight is about 17-year-old Bella, who has just moved to forks to live with her father after her mother decides to bail on her responsibilities to her child, so that she can accompany her minor league baseball playing hubby on a futile pipe dream journey of hitting the big leagues.  The moment Bella sets foot in the new highschool, she befriends in mere seconds some seriously obnoxious teens, who I would guess get kicked out of Borders on a regular basis because of their overly stimulated states of mind.  It is here that Bella sees Edward Cullen and his incredibly HOT siblings walking in slow motion and flitting their perfectly styled hair all about...they are so cool that they don't care if they are late to class, and walking in slow motion proves this!  I wish I could walk in slow motion!!!  :(

Now, normally I would see a fancy lady like Bella and get very happy, but Edward...it is as if he were chiseled from marble with jewel encrusted tools on a blue tinted pedestal.  Now don't get me wrong diary, Bella is very pretty, but Edward is waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy out of her league.  Edward should know this, but he is too nice of a vampire guy to not give her a shot at romance...this is despite that fact that Edward nearly barfs when he sees her walk into his science class.  He also likes her because he cannot read her mind, which tells you something about the girl.  I would like to think that Edward sees her as a sort of charity case...such a nice guy!!!

The movie progresses and Edward beats up a car that almost runs down Bella, he looks mean at some riff-raff who are bugging Bella, introduces her to the family, and they spend some time jumping around in the trees, which looked like fun.  I wonder if Edward could carry me on his back...I weigh more than Bella, but like I said, I have been starving myself, so I bet that he could.  But you know what, Diary?  I can tell you this, I would be much more appreciative of an Edward piggyback across the treetops of Forks than Bella ever was.  Plus he is sooooooooo strong!!!  Oh yeah, they also play break-the-sound-barrier baseball in a thunderstorm and Edward's overly hot sister Alice pitches with very pointed toes, which ruled!!!  Something or other happens with a bad vampire with dreadlocks, who actually is not that bad, a blond vampire dude decides that he has to kill Bella and only Bella for some reason that I am not completely certain of, and the red-headed girl vampire smirks about some sort of private joke that she decides not to share with the audience.  Edward then fights blondie and his vampire family comes to help, but they won't let him kill him, because Edward does not need to be wasting his time on such things...he probably had some sit-ups that he had to do.  Edward and Bella then go to prom and the red-headed vampiress smirks again.  THE END.  A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!!

Now, one thing that I neglected to mention is that the movie also has another strapping young buck named Jacob, who also has the hots for Bella--what the hell is it with this chick?!?-- and if Edward was chiseled out of marble, Jacob was chiseled out of gold.  I am kind of thinking that Forks is one of those overly polite small towns that gave a tax break to anyone that makes Bella feel welcome.  Hey Edward...hey Jacob...dial it back a little boys, I'm sure there is a cap on the "Be Nice To Bella Deduction."

To summarize, Twilight rules.  Edward is strong and handsome and so smart that he has been attending high school and taking the same classes for decades...talk about drive!  Jacob may not have had much screen time in this outing, but you can be sure that he will get his moment in the spotlight in the next movie, Twilight Saga: New Moon...aka 80% shirtless; I can't wait!!!

Amy and our friends may not have appreciated the movie to the psychopathic level that I did, but they need to rewatch it another seven times to fully understand the movie's beauty and maybe after that they will not say, "Oh brother," or "You have got to be kidding me," or just laughing over and over again.

Well, time to setup camp around the mailbox for another two days for the second movie to arrive.  I have my suitcase of Coors tallboys, my beach chair and this time, a life sized standee of Edward and Jacob.  I CAN'T WAIT!!!

Twilight Starring Edward, Jacob and Some Girl Who Does Not Deserve Either Of Them - Part 2

Twilight Starring Edward, Jacob and Some Girl Who Does Not Deserve Either Of Them - Part 1

Dear Diary,

I know that I have not written for a few days, but I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am!!!  I just saw Twilight and it was the best movie ever!!!  If you are like me, and I know that you are, because you are me, then you are mad at your stupid behind-the-times  stupid ugly face for not jumping headfirst into the magical world of all things beautiful, Twilight!

For far too long, I have poked fun at the Twilighters and how they camp out for every new release book and movie, but kick me in the rumpshaker and call me Bartholomew, I could have never been more wrong about the awesomeness that is Twilight!!!  This past Wednesday, I was stumbling from the Hollister Brewing Company after putting away two or three (four?...lol) Pope IPAs and two servings of fried beer battered pickle chips on my lunch break and guess what I saw?  That's right, a gaggle of teens and middle-aged moms camped out in front of the Camino Real Cinema, waiting for the midnight screening of...you guessed it...the new Twilight film!  Now, I know that I am not allowed within 100 feet of the theater as a result of the indecent exposure thingy from the Twilight: New Moon midnight screening, but I now know that sort of behavior is not appropriate and makes angels cry; plus, turnover at the theater is high and no one remembers me there anyways.  It was at that moment that I saw the poster, and boy howdy, I knew it was time for me to find out what all of the fuss was about!!!

Unfortunately, I had spent most of my money on booze and fried foods and did not even have enough to buy one of the hundreds of used copies for $9.99 at Blockbuster, so I whipped out my trusty iPhone and added it to my Netflix queue right then and there.  Take that BB and your overly effective loss-prevention security system!!!  Then there came the waiting.

I did not want to deny myself the full Twilight experience, so I grabbed a beach chair, sleeping bag and a suitcase of Coors tallboys and setup camp right outside of the condo's mailbox area for the two day wait for Twilight to show up on BLU-F_ing-RAY!!!  The neighbors were highly agitated, since my chair and the empty beer cans blocked access on the pathway, but luckily it took them too long to contact the housing association so that they could file yet another complaint against me, and I was able to make it through both nights!!!  btw...unit 37 was just plain rude for deciding to "water" their plants at 11:00 PM and getting most of the water on me; what a monumental a_hole!!!  I know what you are doing Tobey and you will never prove that I was the one that shaved your cat.

Then, the holy grail of all movies arrived and I finally had it in my unworthy little hands on Saturday morning...and don't think I didn't see you nervously fingering your mace Ms. Femailman-person, my doctor says I am all better now, so there!  I ran back to the house, nearly tripping over the many pee-filled empty beer cans that I left around the mailbox and burst into the house to announce the arrival of Twilight to Amy.  Tulip, our family dog,  barked at me for a minute before skulking away to hide in her crate.

"You know...Twilight is an allegory for Mormonism and abstinence," Amy said, rolling her eyes at me, but then I sure told her that moronism and flatulence have nothing to do with this movie and that she needed to call our friends and arrange a screening A.S.A.F.P.!!!  She agreed to do it, but on the condition that I take my meds and return to a calm-submissive state of mind, or else I would experience abstinence (whatever that means) for the remainder of my life.  If that is what it takes to spend some quality time with my boy Edward, then abstinence forever it is!!!

Twilight Starring Edward, Jacob and Some Girl Who Does Not Deserve Either Of Them - Part 1

The Micronauts

For the past 33 years, I have been engaged in a love affair.  It all started at a time when I was young, impressionable...innocent.  I had toys, many toys, including Star Wars, Marvel and DC Super Heroes in numerous variations, Shogun Warriors and the Six Million Dollar Man, but it was the Micronauts toy line that won my heart above all others.

I can still picture the night that my mom took me with her to a department store with a name that I cannot remember (K-Mart? Clicks?).  The store was closing per the announcement bellowed over the intercom and a few of the lights had been turned off to give customers the hint that they needed to get the hell out.  My brother and I were at the toy aisle, looking with boredom through the usual displays of toys that we did not care about, when I spotted one lone box on the shelf for the Micronauts toy, Baron Karza.  I already owned Galactic Defender, Space Glider, Acroyear and a Time Traveler, but Baron Karza was the elusive prize that I had been dying to find.  With an unprecedented amount of begging and pleading and promises to do anything my mother wished, I left with the toy in hand and I could not have been happier.

The Italian version of the prized Baron Karza

A year later, Mego, the toy company that released the Micronauts toy line, teamed with Marvel Comics to release The Micronauts: They Came From Inner Space written by Bill Mantlo and drawn by Michael Golden and I had no idea that this had happened.  I was only eight years old, and knew nothing of monthly schedules or release dates and only knew about the comic books that showed up at the news stand in the mall.  I nearly lost my mind when I found The Micronauts issue number two for thirty five cents.

Here was my most treasured of toy collections put into comic book form and I was speechless.  Upon opening the comic, I was further blown away to see all my favorite toys running around--with the exception of Galactic Defender--and a ton of other new characters that I completely loved.  The main cast of revolved around:

Commander Arcturus Rann (Space Glider) who has just returned from his 1000 year journey aboard his ship the Endeavor after exploring the depths of the Microverse.  During that time, he remained in a state of suspended animation, and accompanied only by his roboid companion, Biotron, he explored the tiny universe as a mental projection.  He returns to Homeworld only to find that the diabolical Baron Karza has survived the 1000 years and has taken over the planet that Arcturus used to call home.

Princess Mari (Marionette) the former royalty of Homeworld has barely escaped the clutches of Baron Karza, but her brother, Prince Argon has been captured.  Mari vows to free her brother and to mobilize what remains of the decimated rebellion.  She is accompanied by her roboid, Microtron.

Acroyear, Prince of the Acroyears, the mighty and feared warrior from the microscopic planet Spartak was taken captive by Karza and made the enemy of his own people.  Armed with his feared energy blade, Acroyear joins Commander Rann and Princess Mari on their mission to depose the evil Karza and joins along with his friend...

Bug, of the Insectivorids from the red treed planet, Kaliklak.  Bug was and still is my favorite of The Micronauts.  A green-skinned humanoid insect.  A thief by trade, but a fearsome warrior in his own right, Bug is the trickster of the bunch and oftentimes used as comic relief, but in a way that is not condescending to the reader.

The diabolical Baron Karza is the foe for much of this amazing space opera, and the focal point for much of this disarmingly heavy series.  Karza was once Homeworld's Chief Scientist until the point that he murdered Dallan and Sepsis Rann, the parents of Arcturus and rulers at that time of Homeworld.  A genius in biological engineering, Karza has become something much more than human and through the promise of  eternal life for the inhabitants of Homeworld, he has seized control of the Microverse in the cold steel grip of his ebony gauntlet.  With an unending supply of body parts from The Body Banks, the maniacal dictator sets loose his endless hordes of Dog Soldiers to capture and destroy The Micronauts once and for all.

The Micronauts contains a near unstoppable evil that threatens the universe, love, loss, hope, betrayal, death, rebirth, redemption and victory at an unbearable cost, and for a comic book series based off of a toy line, The Micronauts had it all.  The series ran for 59 issues, had a four issue limited-series with the X-Men, a couple of annuals, and a revival series called Micronauts: The New Voyages that ran for 20 issues, which was an interesting and very different series in and of itself.

For a nine year old boy, this series was incredibly dark and dire, but I loved every bit of it.  It took me years to find all of the back issues that I missed at the magazine stand and various other places that I was lucky enough to find various issues, but I was dealt a major blow, when Marvel Comics announced that The Micronauts would no longer be offered to newsstands or grocery stores starting with issue number 38, and would only sold by the direct market; comic book stores.  It would be a year and a half before I discovered the now-gone local Andromeda Bookstore and I once again embarked on a quest for all of the missing issues, which I quickly snatched up.

One of my favorite issues

Just last year, I discovered bookbinding for individual comic books and I had all of my The Micronauts comics bound into three giant tomes that now rest prominently on my bookshelf and begging for me to reread them.  After writing this blog entry, it is on!  Time to reread one of my all-time favorite series ever created.  With any luck, I will someday get that Bug action figure that I have been waiting most of my life for.

*NOTE - Hasbro just acquired all of the rights to the Micronauts toy line, and Hasbro is fairly tight with Marvel Comics.  There are talks of the old toys being revived, and new ones being released, as well as interest from J.J. Abrams to create a Micronauts movie.  Hot damn, I can only hope and pray that this happens soon.  With any luck, there will be new Micronauts comics on the horizon, reissues of the original series and an amazing movie that spawns a new franchise.  Fingers crossed.

The Micronauts

Temptation to Chase the Dragon of the SDCC

I knew that things were going to get bad before they got better, but this week a twist was thrown my way for the forthcoming San Diego Comic Con.  This year's SDCC 4-Day passes sold out way back in November of 2009, but my wife and I were not really planning to go this year anyways.  This is not to say that I was not watching the www.comic-con.org website on a daily basis to see if there were any updates.

Donisssssssst, come join ussssssssss....

As of today, the schedule of programming has still not been announced for the show, but the guest list continues to be updated periodically and there are people that I would like to meet again, or for the first time, such as Matt Fraction, J.M. Straczynski, Sean Phillips, Brian Michael Bendis and Charlaine Harris, but that is currently all.  I have scoured through the exclusive toys that are to be offered, and nothing stands out as a must own item, so why am I so tortured over not going?  It probably has something to do with all of the fun of attending, finding the hidden gems at the multitude of booths, watching the premiere of a show before anyone else and relaxing by the pool for the brief moments of rest.

Dang...Jim Starlin, writer of Warlock

Regardless, it really does not matter what I want, since the event sold out eight months ago, at least that is what I thought up until this past Monday.  I had just put in a request for vacation time that was approved, when I came across a notice on one of the many comic book related sites that I enjoy and there it was: "You can still go to comic-con next month".

Teela and Evil-Lyn together...purrrrrrrrrrrr

Essentially, there are still plenty of hotels in the four miles or farther range that still have availability at the discounted Comic-Con pricing, and with a reservation you also get a 4-Day Membership pass included in the price.  I broke out in a sweat, and my hands began to shake uncontrollably, thoughts of doing what I should have been doing drifted away like fluffy clouds on a soft breeze.  I called Amy in a mad tizzy to relay the good news, but she was already booked for that time and the cost of my going alone was in the $800 range for hotel, pass, and roundtrip train tickets, plus the fact that as far as I know, not much is going on.

I totally had STBX with them 

If I were to go, I would most likely spend my time wading through the masses of tightly packed shambling mounds and getting annoyed that I would not be able to get from one end of the building to the other in a reasonable fashion.  I would be baking hot due to the hot summer air outside coupled with the 100,000+ attendees, and I would be forced to deal with throngs of people that look at a stick of deodorant as a mysterious and unnecessary luxury and a daily shower as a mind-boggling cultural practice.  Good food needs to be sought out and is nowhere to be found near the convention center, and finding someplace quiet and chill is next to impossible.

Okay damn it...which one of you a-holes forgot to put deodorant on!?  Oh, that many?

Then again, I met amazing people, listened to impressive talks (thank you again Straczynski for starting me on the road to writing), saw cool screeners of television shows and movies, and saw Suicide Girls walking around.  Last year, my wife and I went to the San Diego Zoo, a few museums and the Comic Con over the course of a week and stayed at a cool hotel with a nice pool and gym and went for a couple of runs while we were there.  We had a blast, but this year it is just not in the cards.

Hello Mr. Robert Kirkman.  Thank god that weirdo before me left.

Sorry San Diego Comic Con, I will remain strong, I will remain diligent and I am just going to say, "No!"  At least until I flip the fuck out, and make the reservation at the last minute and buy the train tickets.  "Be strong, Donist...be strong...you're better than that...you can do it."

Take us to your Comic-Con

Temptation to Chase the Dragon of the SDCC