Monday, April 12, 2010

"Excuse Me...Do You Have Any Gay Pornos?"

It was late at the music store, probably around 11:30 PM and I was sitting behind the counter feeding the VHS videos into the small army of video rewinder machines.  Many of our customers were not kind and many of those customers did not rewind, so there I sat.  Spacing out to the *whirr* of the rewinders threatening to lull me to sleep on this surprisingly quiet night, I thought that I had heard something, and poked my head up to survey the plastic landscape.  One of my friends was vacuuming, one was "spine facing" movies and the manager was counting out the drawers at the front of the store, so I returned to my business.

"Excuse me...mumble...mumble...mumble." Came a voice from somewhere.

"Huh?" I said, taking a moment to look up again and do another scan of the store, and again nothing.  I wrote off the imagined voice to being either the odd music choice playing throughout the store or my weary imagination.

"Excuse me, Sir?  Over here," came the voice again, and this time I stood to see a very short man--about 5'2"--waving his arms frantically in front of the register that had been obstructing my view.  He was a somewhat portly fellow and wore a tan suit and tie, had thick coke bottle glasses, a pronounced combover covering some of the bald spot on his head and an incredibly bushy mustache that was nearly color coordinated with his suit.  He reminded me of a midwest insurance salesman from the seventies.

"Oh, I'm sorry.  The register was in the way and I have all of these loud machines.  What can I help you with?"

The man looked around to make sure that no one was in close proximity, and did a double take to be sure.  Satisfied, he smiled a shockingly white tooth-filled smile, leaned forward slightly and said, "Yes.  Excuse me.  Do you have any..." and his voice trailed off to the point that I could not hear him.

"Ummm...Sorry, man.  I couldn't hear you.  What?" I replied honestly

He performed another round of store scanning and with another huge smile and a clapping together of his hands said, "Excuse you have any gay pornos?"

My head cocked to the side as I thought about his question, "Hmmm...come to think of it, I don't think that we do."

A bead of sweat dripped down the poor nervous fellows head, disappointment lining his face.  "Oh, I see.  Do you know anywhere that has gay pornos," he said in a hushed voice, smile returning.

I had to think about the question for a moment and then directed him to the adult store about a mile or two up the street and to the downtown store about double that distance towards the beach.  I gave him a disclaimer that I was not sure if they carried exactly what he was looking for, but if anywhere in town was to have any gay pornos it would be one of those stores.

He thought about this for a moment, shaking his head in silent contemplation before coming to an unspoken decision, "Hmmm...okay.  Thank you very much for your help.  Have a good night." He was off faster than I would have thought possible of the man, on his journey for the ever elusive gay porno.  I hope that he succeeded in his quest.

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