Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Espresso Roma Incident, or The Phantom Tea-Bagger

I jotted this one down a while ago as well, and this is just a cut and paste.

Okay, this one happened maybe five years ago, so let's see how well I remember it....

My wife, our very good friend and I were all at Espresso Roma having a coffee and possibly stalling for time until some sort of movie or another was to begin at the Paseo Nuevo Cinema. We were sitting there, chit-chatting, laughing and basically having a grand old time when I see my wife making odd facial expressions and motioning with her eyes and eyebrows at me. I, being ever observant and aware of my surroundings, stared at her dumbfounded until I finally said, "What?!" I looked to my left, nothing. I turned to my right, which is the side of my blind eye and again noticed absolutely nothing, but some Goth kids looking forlorned. "What is wrong with you?" I said to her, but she said nothing and continued with the odd looks.

I then looked at our friend who had gone pale, which is somewhat of an alarming occurrence due to the fairness of her skin and again I asked, "What the hell is wrong with you two?" My wife's eyes widened. Our friend's eyes widened, and then she made a sort of high pitched 'squeak' noise and I turned to the right for a second time. Once again nothing. I then turned to the left and the immediacy of the situation came crashing down upon me.

There, about four-inches from my nose was a man's package. Granted, the package was wrapped in indigo cotton Speedo style briefs. I jumped back violently with a pronounced, "Whoooooooaaaaa!!!" I took in the full glory of the freak-ass before me. Standing there in huge clunky motorcycle boots, indigo colored cotton Speedo y-fronts, no pants (obviously), no shirt, a leather motorcycle jacket, a discolored yet greying Santa Claus type beard, shades and a hat that quite possibly could have been a black leather cowboy hat, stood a fairly thin man in his fifties.

Homes had nearly tea-bagged me and was fairly oblivious to that fact, yet was laughing and having a grand old time in much the same fashion that we had been prior to his arrival. Goth kids became more awkward than usual, stoners became very confused and stopped eating their croissants and everything melted away into a silence that was interrupted only by the laughter of the man that I have since fondly referred to as "The Phantom Tea-Bagger" as he had appeared out of nowhere.

Thankfully, someone from the coffee shop came out and told the man that he had fifteen seconds to clear the premises, else the authorities would be notified and he would go to jail. The man walked out, but began yelling obscenities and proclaiming his rights and that Espresso Roma was run by fascists, which I doubted, but thought it best to keep quiet unless he was privy to information that I was unaware of.

Once The Phantom Tea-Bagger parked himself on a bench a few yards away and proceeded to make himself very comfortable, my wife and our friend began a barrage of, " did you not notice that! Oh my god, couldn't you tell something was wrong by the way we were acting."

"Yes, of course I could tell something was wrong, but the guy was in my blind spot the whole least he was until he almost had his package on my left shoulder! Next time just tell me that there is a nearly naked man standing disturbingly close to me." Moment ruined, we went off to the movie early and lost our minds in laughter, once the weirdness of the situation set in. I may not remember the movie that we saw, but I will remember The Phantom Tea-Bagger forever.

Yup, this is a true story.


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